Parenting as a Mindset

How Can I Be More Empathetic?

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.

Barney says this in the first episode of the second season of How I Met Your Mother, and as ridiculous as it sounds, he’s actually onto something.

I don’t mean in ordinary, everyday situations; because, of course, we can’t always freely choose how we feel or how we want to feel. But there are situations where we simply must pull ourselves together if at all possible.

Parenting - unsurprisingly - is one of those situations.

True story.

Yes, adult life is exhausting even without kids; with them, it becomes something else entirely. I won’t even list why.

Fine, I’ll list it.

You work, you raise a child, you study with the child, you study instead of the child, you study for the child. You (don’t) exercise, you shop, you (don’t) sleep, you (don’t) meet friends, you cook, wash, clean, hang the laundry, pack, wipe, plan, worry, feel anxious, feel tense. You pick your battles (or don’t), you feel guilty. You (don’t) read, you (don’t) go to the movies, you (don’t) go to the theater, you (don’t) travel. You run errands, answer emails, sit through meetings, etc.

We all know that men and women participate in these tasks differently. (Except for single fathers or gay men in relationships; they do it all just the same.) So, I won’t get into that now—I’ve already addressed it here and here.

Parents often have a deep desire to do it right. They don’t want to be impatient; they want to be lighthearted, relaxed. They don’t want to worry so much or shout; they want to be well-rested and calm parents.

The solution is quite simple:

• A babysitter.

• Boarding school.

• A residential institution.

If, however, these options are somehow incompatible with your values, culture, socio-political-historical position, and your emotions, then it means that at times, you will be impatient.

There is no “quitting” parenthood. You can change jobs, you can change partners, but you can’t change your child. Therefore, it’s not worth kidding yourself. You will be tense, anxious, and you will shout. And above all, you will be tired.

If you don’t outsource the entirety of child-rearing to a paid professional or an institution, it means you will be with your child. You will be the one spending time with them. And that is exhausting, tense, grumpy, and full of friction.

But the problem isn’t that parenting is like this.

The problem arises when:

• It is only like this. If you are always and constantly exhausted, if you find zero joy in parenting, it is worth seeking outside help. Parent consultations are often available for free at pedagogical services or family support centers.

• It is sometimes like this, but you don’t accept it as natural. You don’t communicate it in any way, meaning you don’t take responsibility for your feelings or your actions, and you don’t even try to change them—even while knowing you will still end up tired, impatient, and shouting anyway.

So yes, these things are natural. Time is a scarce resource; it’s not infinite. Therefore, clashing needs will exist even if you read a thousand parenting articles, listen to three weeks’ worth of parenting podcasts, and attend online workshops instead of sleeping.

They are all lying if they promise you the Promised Land. They are telling the truth if they emphasize mindfulness, emotional awareness, transparent communication, and honesty. But they are lying if they claim that parenting can be easy.

Parenting is only easy for those who don’t care about their child or don’t spend time with them. For everyone else, it will be hard. There will be easier periods, and by recognizing emotions and communicating them with understanding and sensitivity, things can be easier even when they are “damn hard.” But in many cases, there will still be times when you feel like parenting is the death of you.

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So, how can you be more empathetic and patient?

Just be.

Your child deserves it. Your relationship deserves it. And you deserve it, too. Empathy and patience are not permanent emotional states; it is up to you to make the decision that you want to be that way.

Even so, you most likely won’t succeed every time. Far from it.

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that you and your child are not equals. You wanted them; they didn’t have a choice in the matter, especially when they were very small. You are the parent. You are responsible for them; you set the example.

So, to slightly paraphrase Barney, here is how the sentence goes:

When I get impatient, I stop being impatient and be patient instead. True story.

When I get distant, I stop being distant and be empathetic instead. True story.